The Pine, March 29, 1938.

              APRIL FOOL
EDITION
BELIEVE IT OR NOT teitte Dean Bell wood 8ays: “A
head of hair is like democ­racy;
you never miss it until
you lose it.”
Z13
Tuesday, March 29, 1938
Published by A ssociated S tu d en ts
^ARIZONA STATE TEACHERS COLLEGE, FLAGSTAFF, ARIZONA Vol. X X V — No. 25
Secret Marriage Of Popular Couple Revealed
Campus Crime Ring Exposed
GET MANES 'v“
ANDERSON &
ART MeNEIL
Mystery Of Missing Clothes
Divulged Through
Confessions
LARGEPROFITS
Dean’s Direction
Miguel's Social club will open
under new management in the very
near future. The controlling in­terest
was sold to one of the deans
of the college. The intentions of
the new manager are to make the
club more modernistic and up to
date in every way. Upon its com­pletion
it will rival the Ritz. The
new owner being a very good judge
will initiate a new type of refresh­ments.
The judgement was at­tained
after smelling many breaths
at the North lounge door. 01----- 1,1
FAIN AND LINTZ
PLAN REVISIONS
OF IMPORTANCE
Associated Men S t u p i d s
— Draws Fire Of
Reformers
be the barmaid, and her previous
experience with drinks should
prove very helpful along this line.
Her cheerful smile will accompany
every drink served.
The stooges of the new owner
will serve refreshments at the
tables. She insists she can pack
them all in, but at times we won­der.
A 12-piece orchestra has
been engaged to play for the night
club. It will cater to college stu-
Rowdiness will not be tol-
In a recent meeting held be­tween
Mean Dinny Lintz and For-othy
Dain, plans were made for
the future activities of the Asso­ciated
Women’s Stooges, one of
She will j the most promising organizations
Credit D u e S l e u t h Don
Sell For Great
Work
“Pop" Lunceford was informed
yesterday by Don Sells, private
detective for the campus, that af­ter
trying to find the laundry
thieves for three years, he finally
was able to obtain enough evidence
to arrest the gang which has been
in existence a t A. S. T. C. dents. ____________________
Stealing of clothes had been a erated. She will do her own bounc-profitable
racket for Art McNeil, ing in case unforseen incidents of
ring leader, Bill Manes, and Tom-1 this kind occur,
my Anderson until last week, when College students are cordially in-
Detective Sells got on their trail, vited, especially the girls. For
It just happens that A rt has a girls who wish to stay out longer
laundry business in Bury Hall, and than their time limit, the manage-what
a business. Everybody has ment has made arrangements w i t h __ „ i____________ . ___ _
been wondering why Art dressed the college so that it will be pos-1 w t i Ih f £
like a millionaire, and could afford sible to stay at the club all night.
*- - 1— mrhtL They mugt ret Um to the college in Clde to adopt the UBed 8nc*
time for breakfast, that is, if any
is desired. A spring formal will
be held every Friday and Satur­day
night.
on the local campus.
While not in ftivor of making
too many drastic changes within
the remainder of the school year,
Mean Lintz announced that it was
imperative to force organization*
to take an active part in campus
life. “For example," she added,
“take the A. W. S. Not a meeting
goes by but that three or four of
our stoolies make their reports up­on
activities of the women stu­dents.
We make our work fun,
and the council always has a hilari­ously
good time passing down my
verdicts to the students."
One of the first organizations to
be worked over, it was announced,
will be the Associated Men Stupids.
The need of an active men’
e u im iw iia u c , cu*u v.wum v «. v*
to play his $200 radio every n ig h t
Bill Manes was always bragging
that he received $80 a month for
spending money, and Tommy
Anderson tried to fool his girl
friend by saying that he had
•nough money to get married be­cause
he was doing good in the
laundry business (getting a rakeoff
from the college laundry).
The trio of desperados was very
strongly organized. Bill Manes
stole the clothes from the base­ments,
or entered rooms which
were left open and swiped the best
that could be found. Bill took the
stolen goods to McNeil, who im­mediately
sent the clothes to the
laundry to be washed and ironed
so that the owner copld not recog­nize
them. Besides committing
this crime, Art charged the laun­dry
bill to the college, and was
able to get clean profits out of
his business. Tommy Anderson
was the fence for the trio, as he
took the stolen goods to sell down
town to the merchants who were
very well satisfied with the bar­gains.
Art McNeil was the first to con­fess
the racket, and he said th at
the only reason that he stole was
because he’s quitting school to get
married, and needed enough money
to buy everything th at a wife
should deserve. He also stated
that he had already bought a house
in Beverly Hills with the profits
that he made.
Bill Manes came next and in
his signed confession alleged that
he had been stealing for four years
because he needed money to buy
clothes. He had planned to do
practice teaching in his last year
and wanted to be the best dressed
teacher on the campus.
Tommy Anderson gave an hon­est
opinion why he was engaged
in such a racket. He said th at he
has gone around with a girl a t
Globe for nine years, and wanted
to m arry her very badly.
The vstudents of A. S. T. C. ex­pressed
a vote of thanks to Detec­tive
Sells for his splendid work.
“Pop" Lunceford said th at the
gang will be sent to Alcatraz to
spend three months (or years) be­hind
the bars.
Seibel Publishes
Volume “ H o w To
Snare Your M ate”
Ted Seibel has at last revealed
the secret of his success with wom­en
in a concise, modestly written
volume, titled “This Is How I Get
Them.” Seibel has set forth his
theories in his usual friendly style,
generously sharing his knowledge
with all.
cide to adopt the system used suc­cessfully
by the women students,
both groups will be much better
off. With the men signing in by
10:30, the campus night watchman
can be dismissed and his salary
diverted towards the pay to be giv­en
to the stoolies witnin the men’s
hall. Then too, the women stu­dents
would not be consistently
worried about editorials written by-enraged
men, as the men would
have their own problems to look
>out for.
“When active organizations blos­som
forth o’er the campus, it will
be found lliat the student council
can be dofle away with, as organi­zations
can be developed into a
representative council. With time
and subtleness employed,” ' Miss
Dain remarked, "my superior, Miss
Quinn Confesses
Concerning Nite
Owl Hikers, Ltd.
Prune P u r v e y s Publicity
Pertinent to Proved
Pedestrians
President Elton Quinn, founder
and leader of the Nite Owl Hikers,
Ltd.. announced late today that
he is going to launch a membership
compaign, immediately. He is sole
member to date and from all indi­cations.
there will be no increase
in the future.
To his anxious public (? ) Quinn
announces, “Boys and girls and
girls and girls, I know all of you
are thrilled at the prospects of
joining my great organization,
which will be very exclusive. I
hope you realize the tremendous
ordeals I have braved to establish
a background and tradition for our
club.
“ 1 met a beautiful damsel at
Miguel’s last Saturday and I
danced with her and then . . . I
asked to take her Jiome when she
said she lived 'a little Ways east
of town.’ I’m sureashell glad she
didn't say it was a long ways be­cause
her ‘little ways’ was 14
miles. Well, I drove her home
and then my Ford stalled just as
1 .was leaving her yard. Now, a
l4V4 mile walk is quite a jaunt in
the middle of the night and I hiked
every step of it . . . and liked it!
All the way home (I arrived at
6:30 a. m.) I dreamed of organiz­ing
a hiking club and now my
nightmare is to come true.
“I have ho intentions of infring­ing
upon the franchise of A1
Smith’s Hiking club and I have
assured him that membership will
be strictly limited to those who
get a kick out of the pure night
atmosphere, as I do.
"Thanks, my admiring friends,
and I hope you will all accompany
me on my week-end hikes, 14^4
miles east and back.”
What a man, this Quinn, what
NEILSEN, ALTWEIS JOINED
IN MATRIMONIAL BLISS
DURING XMAS HOLIDAYS
Newlyweds
When the girls learned there was
a new boy on the campus the ath­letic
girl asked: “W hat can he do?”
The chorus girl: "How much has
he?” The religious girl: “What
church does he belong to ? ” The
red-headed girl: “Where IS h e?”
Julie Osborn was recently elect­ed
the La Cuesta Queen, but to
the A. W. S. council Bobbie Gott­lieb
and Margaret Shucks are the
campussed queens.
SS & unti »l,rSnd(l. e« ^ , y • • - * • pie to gain control of campus stu­dent
activities. It is only, proper
that the Dean of Women be en­trusted
with campus reign. It is
a widely known fact that Mean
Lintz never renders a decision that
is not carefully thought over from
all angles; personal likes and dis­likes
never enter into verdicts.”
Closing their regular meeting,
Mean Lintz and “Dis” Dain re­corded
the unanimous finding that
promoting the new leadership plan
would, if successful, do away with
the necessity of having a college
president, college dean, and deans
of men and women, as these posi­tions
would be united into one, the
Recktor of Balance and Morals,
which would, of course, be filled
by Miss Lintz.
object of your affections complete­ly
off her feet before she can find
out what others think of you.
There must be no slipups in this
important m atter. It is liable to
cause no end of trouble.”
Another factor is proving your
friendly spirit by sneering at one
and all wno come into view. This
also proves your manly spirit, says
Seibel
Many more intimate secrets are
set forth in this volume. Seibel
says he expects to retire in ease
from the proceeds of the sale.
Merle Crist recently discovered
that his high school ring which has
been missing for some time, i9.
back in the fold again.
Things We’d Like
To See
1. Baldy Dushek with hair.
2. “Hugo” Salzbrenner dancing.
3. Decent meals in the dining
hall.
4. Julie Osborn coming down to
A rth .
5. Helen Burmister serious.
6. Hilda Binder jealous.
7. Pat Feeney not blushing.
8. Jack Thompson not giggling.
9. Mary Liggett without make­up.
10. Dean Lintz without her
striped bathrobe.
Babe Kling not bumming.
Butch Andrews not bragg­ing.
Reformers
Fired with a zeal to reorganize the campus for the benefit of the
entire student body, Dictators “Mussolini” Fain and “Hitler” Lintz
are pictured planning the reforms which will mean the salvation of
the school—if not the world.
13. "Maxie” in a bathing suit.
14. Betty Welsh not strutting.
15. Art McNeil without his pipe
16. Carl Neilsen’s hair messed
P.
17. Dr. Tormey without his dog.
PAINTER PROFESSES
PROUD PARENTHOOD
Perhaps it will be of interest
to the students of A. S. T. C.
to know that Jack Painter is
the_ proud father of a nine
pound baby, born March 21.
Painter received a telegram
recently telling him to leave
immediately for Yuma. It didn’t
say what the troubles were, and
Jack prepared to leave right
away. It was not long, how­ever,
until he found out that
he was a proud papa. Painter
did not know what to do or
what to say, as he had no in­tentions
of being a father for
a long time yet.
“I’m proud, but I didn’t know
I could be a father, as I thought
I had to attend four years of
college to be able to be one,”
Painter said when he was asked
how it felt to be a daddy.
Hashers Hacked
By Brutal Beating
Of Hanley’s Best
Labor War In Dining Hall;
Kling and Brown Are
Suspects
After a brutal attack on Snuffy
Parker, the local hashers are mak­ing
a final attem pt to organize in­to
the P. H. U. (Protective Hash­ers
Union). Mr. Parker, while
walking, alone last week, was seiz­ed
by tVo unknown men, forced
into a room, beaten and bound hand
and foot and left lying on the floor.
Immediately upon freeing himself,
Snuffy reported the outrage to the
fellow hashers and an investigation
Immediately followed.
The special agents of the Hash-erites
have not yet disclosed the
names of the two persons respon­sible
for this act, but according to
Mr. Parker they were "Pop” Kling
and "Snake” Homer Brown, who
are the strong-arm men for the
Hasherites who employ Fred Smith
t "Big Shot.”
Ross "Buzzardhead” Haskievich,
organizer for the Hasherites, an­nounced
that Mary Hall has been
appointed spokesman for the group
and that Homer Jacobsmeyer would
serve as chief stooge. The strong-arm
men, named today, were Mike
LeVecche, “Fizzy” S*to and “Black
Jack” Ferguson. ' ' « * / ' •
The demands made by*the Hash­erites
are as follows:
1. Two tables a day, two days
a week, two weeks a month, for
a full time job.
2. No more drying of silver­ware.
3. Permission to carry eight or
more centers on a tray at one time.
4. Linoleum in place of table
cloths.
5. _ Less of Jake’s .and Mary’s
barking and getting on.
6. To be allowed to take coffee
and tea out when it is ready.
7. To have the Hobartites lock­ed
in the kitchen until each meal
is finished, when they are to be
released and made to clean up the
tables and reset them.
8. No more soup.
According to latest reports, "One
Punch” Louie Miguel Blair has
broken even in his fistic encounters
to date. He won his first match
by an impressive knockout and lost
the last one by verbal decision to
the "Mick” at the Armory.
Nina Donovan spent Tuesday in
the infirmary with a severe case
of “testeritis.” She missed the
weekly science test.
iScoop S c o r e d By Pine In
Obtaining Facts
Of Case
COUPLE JAILED
Mysterious P h o t o g r a p h
Arouses Campus
Curiosity
Congratulatory phrases, inter­mingled
with whispers oi appre­hension,
went the rounds of the
old A. S. T. C. campus early this
morning when the secret marriage
of Knobby Kneilsen and Jug Alt-weis
was revealed to the astound­ed
students. The congratulatory
phrases were OK but the apprehen­siveness
was occasioned by the pic­ture
th at was forwarded with the
story by Tommy Tucker, former
assistant editor of the Pine, who
is now employed by the California
Bureau of Investigation.
According to Tucker’s letter to
the Pine, the picture, reprinted in
this issue of the school paper, was
found among the L. A. Police rec­ords
which disclosed the fact that
the well-known Lumberjack couple
“got hitched” during the Xmas,
holidays.
Investigating the case further,
Tucker revealed that the couple
had taken the nuptial vows on
December 29, in the Wee Kirk o’
the White Feather, located in Glen­dale.
The records, which the enterpris­ing
sleuth delved through, gave no
hint as to the reason for the jail­ing
of the young newly-weds, but
a follow-up letter informed the
members of the Pine staff that
further information would be for­warded
for the next issue of th e
Pine. Until that time, view the
accompanying photo and draw .
your own conclusions.
While announcement of the m ar­riage.
obtained by the Pine in its
latest scoop, occasioned a great
deal of comment, it was not en­tirely
unsuspected by the many
close friends of the couDle.
Neilsen, when interviewed by a
reporter concerning the marriage,
made the following statement. "It’s
joyful!” The former Miss Altweis
could not be reached by a Pine^j
staff member but was reported to
be “Kneilsen in prayer.”
The bridegroom has been one of
Joe Chavez* outstanding janitors
during his sojourn on the local
campus and also won a few letters
in various sports. The bride re­ceived
outstanding recognition for
several attem pts to introduce a
Nazi bund at A. S. T. ,C. She is
also secretary of the Associated
Students.
Blue Boy H iking
Club M em bers Go
To Sunset C rater
The Blue Boy Hiking club trudg­ed
to Sunset C rater last Saturday,
under the direction of “Cough
Drop” Smith, and added many val­uable
miles to the year’s total.
It was estimated that 30 trek-kers
made the hike to the extinct
volcano.
Blue Boy was accredited with the
greatest mileage for the day, ac­cording
to Prexy Al. “Let’s see,”
said Al, "30 hikers, riding 19 miles,
give Blue Boy a total of 570 miles
for the day and 30 students, hik­ing
3 miles apiece, brings the stu­dent
total to 90 miles. A great
organization, this club, and a credit
to the school—but what the hell
would we do without Blue Boy?”
Marlin Ditchey and Ted Seibel
spent the week-end in Needles.
They bummed their way over and
threaded back to the campus early
Monday.
A complete investigation of the
case by the American Medical asso­ciation
followed Mr. James G.
J o h n s o n ’s announcement that
James Jr. had been born wearing
spats.